She Could Be You

I wouldn’t have the chance to browse the net and check on my blog, if not for the song that I heard when I was watching Kyle XY an hour ago, “She Could Be You,” by Shawn Hlookoff. And as I type this crap, it is playing in loop mode on the background.

I wish that I could tell you
What you don't know
I dream about that day
But it's impossible

I don’t know, I just loved it. It’s the kind of song that makes me euphoric and pensive at the same time. The series, Kyle XY(watching it on Studii23), is also growing on me. I really can root for Kyle, the way he deals with being odd and how he believes that what sets him apart from the rest of the people isn’t bad at all. He believes himself, and that I really envy because there’s always something about me that draws me back. Whether it’s my behavior towards life, people, and even writing, I always have this impression that I am not free. I can’t think of any other term to say it. But as I go on with this, we may just know.

The Truth will set you free, they say, and it’s probably the root of all my fears, paranoias and sufferings, because I’ve always been repulsive of the truth. No, I am not a liar. It’s just that there are too many truths about me, about my life that I can never share with anyone–even with the ones I love. I may say the truth sometimes but it’s always shaded to protect me. No wonder I have always been cheering for Kyle since day one. At least he’s got Amanda. And me? All I got are pictures of Kareen smiling. I tried to divert my attention to someone else but there’s just no replacing her. And it breaks my heart.

02/03/10

I almost thought that I love her, only to realize that I only love the way she makes me feel about myself when she cheers me up, and the pleasure she brings wherever her lips and touch travel…

Learning to Read

Today, I will be heading to ICT Cabanatuan, a call center company here in Nueva Ecija, for a retake of the “Reading Test” that I’ve failed last January 27. Stupid, I know (how could a bookworm flank such an easy stuff?), but anxiety easily does that to me. I knew then that there’s nothing really hard with reading to fail it.

I really should’ve been confident because I aced the initial interview that preceded the said test, but when the interviewer announced the ones who failed the initial interview, which left only six of us in the conference room, I became really nervous, with my heart pounding like hell inside my chest.

The result, I was disoriented throughout the reading test, stuttering and running short of breath as I read a very simple paragraph. I still can remember the first line: I hate school.

Now, I’m just hoping that it will never happen again. I practiced early this morning and I found it really easy without feeling anxious. I also practiced my “b’s & v’s” & “p’s & f’’s.” I don’t have a problem with it. Just want to make sure, I guess. So wish me luck. I need it.

Failure to Launch

Life is really of irony. The more you run away from something, the faster it will confront you, and slap you in the face. I am talking about failures, something that have become a regular occasion in my life for months, since I decided to start my life anew here in Cabanatuan with my family, though I’ve been struggling so hard to be a better man, and make up for all the wrongs that I’ve done in the past years. It all started with my personal conviction to change for the better, leaving the ruins behind and moving on. But life seems to have become an open invitation for miseries, pains of the heart, woes of the soul, and a little bit of insanity, sometimes.

First, I have become attached with a person I could never have. She’s been my friend but I don’t want to take risks in fear of losing her friendship and her confidence on me. I used to think that I need no more than being needed as a friend. I was already happy helping her with her reports and projects because that’s the only thing I could do for her, since we’re miles apart, but as time goes by I just can’t stop myself from wondering if we can be together–and it’s killing me. I feel like I’m depriving myself of something I really love, and at the same time, feeling wicked of having this kind of affection for an innocent friend. I really don’t want to betray our friendship.

Secondly, my ventures of having a better place in the call center industry have all been wasted. (I know what most of you will be thinking, but this is the only thing I think I can do until I finally got a degree.) So with my last P500 in hand, I took some risks and tried applying at NCO and Sutherland in Clark, Pampanga last week. NCO was a big flop but I almost did it at Sutherland, though I failed their psychological exam. Now I still don’t know what it’s supposed to mean. Hindi ako mentally at psychologically sound? Sinungaling? Ganoon?

I am also tired of my present company, because every time I “make paramdam” that I would soon be resigning, a promise of new and better accounts coming in would always stop me from doing so. In fact, some two weeks ago, they told me that I will be transferred into a new (and more ‘lucrative’) account which was scheduled to be launched this week. However, the account must’ve been postponed or totally foiled because I haven’t heard our superiors talking about it lately. I hate it, the way it gives me false reassurance and hopes. That’s why I am just waiting for my next pay so I can try applying in other companies again. That way I will be able to secure a job before I finally make my exit from this company which, honestly, has really been nice to me. I have already formed bonds with my co-agents. But I have certain needs and goals that I cannot achieve if I will stay here all my life. So I just hope that I’ll have a better luck this “next time.”

And lastly, all my problems keep me irritable and reckless these days. Not a day passes that I won’t have an argument with my Mom, because I always tend be furious about petty things, including the way my li’l brother acts like a Pokemon. I don’t really curse, but I find it a relief these days when I curse. In fact, my “gulat” expression has already upgraded to P*******a! from my occasional mumblings of S**t! Now, I’m feeling crazy and wicked I don’t consider myself a Christian anymore. Something’s really wrong with me.

Big Mouth

More talk, more mistakes; less talk, less mistakes. My mom used to tell me all that because I tend to be so reckless in speaking, that sometimes a simple conversation of ours turn into a petty fight just because of me. And just recently before the year closed, my big mouth got me into trouble again, and this time, all because of a damn P 20.00.

Last Wednesday, our neighbor who also happened to be a collector of a lending firm approached and told me that the amount my Mom had paid her was short of twenty pesos. The stupid collector even brought me to her lair and had me count the money in front of her cronies who were gambling that time, which really infuriated me because it was only a simple mistake. And what drove me even mad was when my Mom told me later on that it was the collector’s fault because she had left the money in the open and fell asleep without counting the money first, and it now it was she insisting that it was my Mom’s fault. Demmet!

I asked Mom she still got money but she said “No,” and I felt just a little sad because she worked hardly and lovingly for that money, treating every kid in our neighbor the best way she can, so that they would always buy her ice-candy. It’s the only thing she can do to help with our finance, and knowing her, every peso does count. That was enough to send me rushing to our neighbors’ house, with a P 20.00 bill clenched within my hand. I didn’t started a quarrel though, just rougly handed the crumpled twenty pesos..until I exited with a final word:

“Sa susunod kasi, iingatan niyo ang pera.”

Then moments later our mad neighbor came cursing and yelling into our house, but it was my Mom who confronted her, took her bitter words, and even apologized for my rudeness. I wasn’t at all surprise by our neighbor’s sudden attack for I’m already accustomed to such things. It’s nothing new, it’s no big deal. But it was my Mom’s reaction that terrified me and drove me into deep introspection. She said that I’m no better than the stupid collector, the way I speak acrimoniously these times, just to express what I want to say or to get even to whatever they are saying against me. But it’s not just me to blame. When I was younger I endured the way people ridicule how wrong and dumb I was, and now that I am older I’ve grown to be determined and ready to always prove they are wrong.

However, I know that I really have to change before I get worst. I wasn’t used to making any new year resolution but i think I need to start the year right by watching my mouth and if possible, talking less than usual. I know that it’s going to be difficult because talking and debating have already become my stuff. It makes me feel better. But my being “talky” had also been our QA’s remark on me before she resigned last week. Ok, as an outbound call center agent, we need to close a sale with a customer within a maximum of five minutes, but that is not always the case because Americans hate! our client’s product and I really had to talk, make the customer comfortable, get their trust and lure them into buying. We cannot always bombard the customers with promos and make a sale right away. I have my own pace, I have my own style. I talk a lot and make an extra effort to make my customer happy before I close a sale. Most of them can’t do that because they’re afraid. They always sound the same! No wonder they find the job boring (because they are), and I, sick that it was me the one wrong and ridiculous even if I’m just doing the right thing. So I really was right all along–that I better resign, look for a more rewarding call center job, and put my big mouth into good use.

Taking Risk

For weeks I have been planning to get back on blogging (for a hundredth time I guess) but I just couldn’t. I don’t know. All I could do was to pay some short visits, feeling bad that I am never really committed at anything–not even to my blog. I’ve been confused, not truly knowing what I really wanted and maybe that was the problem. Messed up, I am.

First, I no longer what to do with my job. By the way, I got hired as a call center agent over a month ago and it really kept me busy, and in a way, contented that I already got a job though the compensation was ridiculous. Well, I didn’t have any choice. I had to start at the bottom, and that’s what I am talking about because I can’t afford to stay at the bottom forever. I have my family to help, and myself to support because I will be studying next year. Honestly I got no problem with the job, it’s just the uncertainty of our commissions that bothers me. I won’t elaborate more for the sake of propriety but it is also good to know that the Christmas had passed but we still haven’t received our salary. How great was that?!

Sa lahat ata ng mga call center agents, kami lang ata ang walang pera. We are working really hard, but for what? They always have this excuse which I understand: the company is just starting and it cannot give us the pay that we demand deserve, but they say it will not be for long because they have plans. However, time is passing by and if I will not make a decision, I’m afraid that I’ll be left behind. That is why I’m planning to pass my resignation letter, the first thing I will do, when I hit the office on Monday. I am afraid, really, for I haven’t done such a feat yet, but I already got plans, either to apply in a bigger company here, or trying my luck in Manila.

It’s like “risk” is becoming my favorite word now.

Not only because I am about to take a crucial step for my career.

But because I’m already determined to tell a friend the truth I’ve kept to myself in fear of losing her.

‘Bawi’

Alas-nuwebe na ng gabi ngayon, labin-limang araw makaraan ang huli kong post, at isang oras bago na naman magsimula ang nightshift kong trabaho bilang isang call center agent. Maraming nangyari nitong mga nakaraang araw na hindi ko nailathala sa blog ko na ‘toh, pero iba ang nangyari sa akin kaninang umaga matapos akong umuwi galing sa trabaho.

Dumiretso na kasi ako ng tulog pagkarating ng bahay at nang mga bandang alas-otso ay nagising ako na iba ang nararamdaman pero dahil sa puyat at pagod ay nakatulugan ko na lang ulit. Ang huli ko na lamang nalaman ay noong magising ako’t nanginginig ang aking buong katawan at binalot ko na pala ng kumot ang sarili ko. Sinubukan kong kontrolin pero hindi ko magawa at nang hinipo ko ang leeg–lintek!–ang taas pala ng lagnat ko. Hindi ko rin magawang tumayo kaya’t tinawag ko na lamang si Mama, pero wala siya. Pumasok na ng eskuwela ang dalawa kong kapatid at namasada na rin si Papcee, kaya’t wala akong nagawa kung’di ang mamaluktot sa sulok ng higaan ko, tabi ng pader, habang nanginginig ang buo kong katawan sa lamig kahit parang pugon ang init ng kalamnan ko.

Maya maya pa’y dumating na din si Mama, bumili pala ng gamot na siya naman niyang pinainom sa akin. Ibinili din niya ako ng gatas at vitamins. Maluha-luha ang mga mata niya habang pinapainom niya ako ng gamot. Kung magkakasakit lang daw ako sa trabaho ko ay tumigil na lang daw ako. Pero sa totoo lang hindi sa pagaalala niya nadurog ang puso ko, kung’di sa katotohanang ehto ako, inaalagaan ng taong madalas kong suwayin at bigyan ng sama ng loob…na akala ko kaya ko na pero hindi pa rin pala…na tama lang pala na umuwi na din ako dahil makakabawi na rin ako kay Mama kahit sa mga simpleng bagay lang…

At nakakatuwa din dahil matapos lamang ang ilang oras ay okey na ako, na parang wala lang. Iba talaga magalaga ang mga Mommy eh. Kanina nga bago ako umalis ng bahay, gusto ko talagang magpasalamat kay Mama pero umiral na naman ang “the big boy in me.” Ewan ko ba, kung bakit tumatanda tayo mas nagiging mahirap sa atin ang magsabi ng nararamdaman natin sa mga magulang natin, pero pagdating sa mga quote kaibigan unquote natin eh todo open up tayo lagi. Newey, action speaks louder than words naman eh, ‘di ba? Pero sana masabi ko din sa kanya ‘yung mga bagay na noong hayskul ko pa gustong sabihin sa kanya…

OFFTOPIC:

Bukas November 25, after ng shift ko ay uuwi ako ng Bataan para sa birthday ni Lola ko para naman makabawi din. At sa November 30 naman ay kina Mama naman ako babawi dahil magte-twenty na ako.

And it really scares me!!!

To All the Blogs I Loved Before

One of the most exciting phase of creating a personal blog is the time you think of your site’s domain name, something (I think) that will greatly contribute to your blog’s success. First, a good blog title and/or URL is already a marketing tool (I couldn’t think any other term) in itself that can be retained or impressed on the readers’ mind, just like the LSS thing. The blog title/url is also embodiment of the whole blog-package, the concept, nature of the author & other quirks. That is why, as a blogger, it is important to give your site an interesting blog name & address.

some cool & stupid blogs I used to have, some I also registered at WordPress so no one can use them anymore. i'm not that possessive.

Now, why really am I talking about this? Is it because I have a very good blog name & address? No, I don’t think so. For me, ODDBLOOD is a real cool but it really was the last choice that I had. All the other blog names that I’ve fancied, either used up or just wasted and it really pained my heart every time I come to know that my future blog name had been wasted for nothing. It is the uniqueness, potential & possibilities that left me feeling sorry for myself, and hateful to those who registered and dumped those names. To cite a few examples, here they are, but don’t dare open them or you’ll just get pissed.

1. LIMELIFE (juicy, sweet & sour)
   
2. BIRDBRAIN (ironic ‘coz I’m not)
   
3. RAVAGE (forceful! azteegh!)
   
4. STICKMAN (I am)
   
5. VERITASERUM (from HP. “veritas” means truth)
   
6. IDIOTBOX (cool!)
   
7. LIFEISIRONIC (it really is)
   

Quite a handful, isn’t it? I am no longer bitter, though, because I already have my ODDBLOOD.

Really!

Hindi Ako Makasulat

Isa sa mga nakikita kong disadvatages ko sa pagtira sa bahay ngayon ay ang unti-unting pagkawala na naman ng drive ko sa pagsusulat. Wala pa naman akong trabaho kaya naman lagi lang akong nakatunganga sa bahay, pero pilitin ko man ang sarili kong magsulat ay hindi ko magawa dahil tila nalulunod ang diwa’t konsentrasyon ko sa iba’t ibang ingay na nanggagaling sa loob at labas ng bahay.

Nariyan ang mga munting bata na naglalaro sa labas ng bahay namin, mga kapitbahay na nagchichismisan, ingay ng mga nagdadaang sasakyan at iba pang external disturbances na hindi healthy sa nagra-writer-writerang tulad ko. Isa kasi sa disiplinang pinapraktis ko ay ang pagsusulat araw araw sa aking journal kahit wala naman akong intensyong ipaglalagay sa blog na ‘toh. At isa pa, minsan ay nakakatipid ako ng pera dahil ‘di ko na kailangang makipagtitigan ng matagal sa monitor nitong computer bago ako makabuo ng isang post, dahil minsan ay ginagawa ko na rin sa bahay ang draft ng mga bagong blogposts ko, para itatype at edit ko na lang kapag nagre-rent ako.

Ang kaso, hindi na talaga ako makapagsulat ngayon at kahit sa mga computer shops ay hindi din ako makapag-isip at makapagsulat ng maayos dahil na rin sa ingay ng mga naglalaro, at ang pinaka-kinababadtripan ko talaga, mga taong sumisilip-silip sa monitor kapag nagtatype o nagcocomment ako sa blogs ng iba. Ewan ko, nako-conscious ba ang tawag ‘dun? Sa bahay naman, kung hindi ingay ng mga nasa labas ang kalaban ko, nariyan naman ang dalawa kong kapatid na makulit, idagdag mo pa ang ingay ni Mama kapag nagagalit o sinasaway ang mga kapatid ko.

Ano ba naman ‘toh. Kapag nagpatuloy akong ganito, mabobobo at mabobobo talaga ako, dahil kahit saan ako lumingon ay wala man lang ako matagpuang inspirasyon. At kakapirasong oras man lang ng katahimikan ay wala din ako. Maraming ideya ang madalas na naglalaro sa isipan ko nitong mga nakaraang araw, mga ideyang naghihintay mabigyang pansin at lubos na kahulugan. Ngayon ko lang din natutuklasan at nagagamay ang sarili kong “boses” sa pagsusulat, kasama na rin ang pagtanggap sa kakayanan at limitasyon ko sa sining na ito. Hindi pa naman talaga ako magaling. Gayon pa man, hindi ko pa rin maiaalis sa aking sarili ang naising magsulat. Kaya’t nakakalungkot lang dahil tila pumupurol na ang talas ko, at ang malaya kong isipan, lumiliit na ang espasyong nagagalawan dahil kahit saan ko man idako ang aking mga mata at tenga, lagi na lang kapangitan ng bago kong mundo ang aking naririnig at natatanaw. . .

Anti-Emo

Rubbish!

Maikli lang ‘toh. But I just don’t get it! bakit pa kailangang ipangalandakan ng ibang tao na emo sila. Tapos magsusuot pa ng shirt na may print na “EMO” at ehto pa na sobrang ikinabuwisit ko kani habang naglalakad papunta sa mall:

-

EMO
SUICIDAL ATTEMPT

-

Hey! So what naman kung emo at suicidal siya? Does anybody care? Kung talagang emo siya ‘di ba dapat matagal na siyang naglaslas ng pulso at matagal nang pinaglamayan? Grabe talaga ang mga tao ngayon. Basta masabi lang cool (but I doubt it) eh makikisawsaw sa isang bagay without knowing what exactly they are putting themselves into. Parang ‘yung mga naging past classmates ko lang, claiming they are emos as if they had to prove it, laging may naka-plug na pods sa tenga, may long bangs, naka-bandaid kahit wala namang sugat (grrr!), laging nakasuot ng checquered na shirt at shoes, tapos may naka-inscribe sa Friendster o Facebook nila na “Fix me I’m broken.”

Nakakainis lang dahil nagiging OA at over rated na. Why do you have to immerse your self in the feeling of hopelessness & loneliness and still stand proud you’d even wear it? ‘Di ba? Lahat naman tayo may mga ‘emoments’, like me na sobrang saklap ng buhay to the extent na gumawa ako ng blog para mai-vent out ang saloobin ko, pero never did I claim na ‘emo’ ako dahil there really isn’t such a thing, KSP, POSERS at JOLOGZ siguro meron kagaya ng mga taong napagkaitan na nga ng tadhana at proud na proud pa sila. Sarap sapakin!